My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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