We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
