I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
