Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
