4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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