Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
