now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
