You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
