Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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