New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
