Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
