I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize