take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
