Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I will be naked everywhere
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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