apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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