Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
