Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
