you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
my sisters under your porch take her home
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
