Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
