All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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