hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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