my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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