I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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