We're facebook friends in real life
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
