id be glad to
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
