Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize