but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
