Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
