His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
