Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
