I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
