Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
