Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
