Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
