Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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