Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
