my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize