Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
