I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
