At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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