I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
