Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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