Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize