I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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