At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
