Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize