After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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