You really coming over, don't trick.
you didnt know i had herpes?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
