The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
