i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
