Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
