if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
