I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
