I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
