I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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