he puts the penis in happiness.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
