My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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