he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
