I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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