I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
