My cat gives me a boner
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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