she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
