The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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